Networking without the small talk

Like the general population, some school principals and board members are introverts, and some are extroverts.  Both introverts and extroverts can excel as Principals and Board members, but they face different challenges in one facet of their roles in a school, the need to network with the school community.

Extroverts are energised when they mix with others, whereas introverts usually find it exhausting, often becoming increasingly impatient as conversations drag on and they yearn for some time alone to recharge their energy levels.  However, something that both introverts and extroverts in school leadership share is the need to engage in small talk when they engage in networking with parents, alumni, local politicians, and so on.

Small talk is lightweight, polite, and informal conversation about every day, unimportant topics.  It usually functions to break the ice or build a social connection between people who do not know each other well and have little in common.  Small talk focuses on connection and comfort rather than sharing deep or complex information.  At its best it can ease social awkwardness and establish a polite, friendly environment.  Small talk tends to focus on ‘safe’ subjects such as the weather, weekend plans, hobbies or sports, avoiding potentially controversial subjects such as politics, religion, personal finances and deep medical issues.

For the majority of school leaders who would much rather engage in meaningful conversations about real topics, small talk can be intensely frustrating.  It is commonly seen as a necessary part of the job that must be endured rather than enjoyed, especially when these conversations are with interlocutors who are filled with an inflated sense of their own self-importance.

This raises an important question: is it possible to network meaningfully with the school’s wider community by elevating conversations above the banality of small talk?

As someone who served as a School Principal and a Board Chair over several decades, I can reveal the happy answer.  Yes, it is possible, but you have to manage the situation with intent.  To try and network without any clear intention is to surrender to small talk.

The secret is not to try and be fascinating, but instead to be fascinated. In other words, the aim of a networking conversation is not to try and impress others or to be the funniest person in the gathering.  For an introvert leader, the aim should never be to try and perform like an extrovert.  The aim should be to give the other person some hook to work with, to help them say something about themselves they were not expecting to say.

Small talk often begins with unimaginative, rehearsed questions such as “How long have you been involved with the school?” or “What kind of work do you do?”.  However, in today’s world where people are being replaced by AI, changing careers, moving countries, caring for family members, starting businesses or simply trying to work out what’s next, the “What do you do?” question may be one of the most uncomfortable opening questions we can ask.

A better approach might be to try and engage with the person, not their occupation, asking questions like “What’s keeping you busy at the moment?”, “What are you spending most of your time thinking about these days?” or “What’s the most interesting thing you’re working on?”.  Depending on the situation, an even broader question like “If you could recommend one thing I should read – a book, article, website, or whatever – what would it be?” can be a great conversation starter.

I have never heard anyone, anywhere say “I love small talk”. I believe most people who are trapped in small talk are actually yearning for a deeper conversation.  This is evident when I have been in networking events dominated by small talk and someone answers the question “What do you do?” with something like “I love to travel”, or “I go trail running”, or “I raise llamas”, or “I cook gluten-free food for my Burmese kittens”, and so on.  I love those types of responses, because the small talk instantly evaporates and a great conversation inevitably ensues.

If someone says “I’m working on restructuring my organisation”, it is important not simply to nod as through you have no idea what this means, but to follow up with engaging questions such as “So, what are the big challenges you’re facing?”, “How might a restructure make a difference?” and “How will you know whether the restructure succeeds or fails?”.  Curiosity is far more attractive than pretending you already understand, and questions like these don’t require any expertise or knowledge of the work the other person is doing.  Rather, they display interest and give the other person an opportunity to speak meaningfully about something they know well.

When networking, it is worth paying attention when your interlocutor’s eyes light up, or when they show excitement or frustration.  These are clear clues that a meaningful, engaging conversation can be initiated.

It is important to understand that the purpose of networking is establishing personal connections, not collecting business cards or keeping tally of how many superficial “Hello, how are you?” chats you can accumulate in a fixed amount of time.  Depth is more important than quantity, so one authentic, meaningful conversation is almost always more valuable than dozens of inconsequential cursory greetings.

In schools (and elsewhere), the conversations people remember are seldom the ones centred on small talk. Memorable conversations occur when people discover something new, perhaps about the other person, and often about themselves.

- Dr Stephen Codrington