The famous painting above by Danish artist Wilhelm Marstrand shows a scene from Miguel de Cervantes’ famous 17th century novel, “Don Quixote”. In the novel, the nobleman Don Quixote recruits a simple farm hand named Sancho Panza as his squire. Without giving away too many spoilers, there are many lovely examples of discussions between Don Quixote and Sancho Panza in which (to quote Salvador de Madariaga) “Sancho's spirit ascends from reality to illusion, while Don Quixote's declines from illusion to reality”.
One such discussion includes the barbed compliment shown in the overlay to Marstrand’s painting above. Sancho is telling Quixote that his words have been the manure that has fertilised the dry soil of his intellect: “Some of your Grace’s wisdom has got to rub off on me, for land that’s dry and unfruitful will give you good crops if you put on enough manure, and weed it, and till it. I mean, your Grace’s words have been like manure spread on the barren ground of my dry and uncultivated mind” (“Don Quixote”, Part 2, Chapter 12). This comment is both a compliment and a sneer. Sancho Panza is telling Don Quixote that he has benefitted enormously from his conversations and adventures with him, but at the same time, he is essentially telling Don Quixote that he is ‘full of it’ (the ‘it’ being manure).
Unlike Sancho Panza’s and Don Quixote’s interactions, schools should be places where the bests ideals of behaviour and speech are modelled consistently by adults. Students should expect to be treated fairly and respectfully by teachers, and teachers should have the same expectations of each other, their line manager, their Principal, and the Board.
Anyone who has ever worked in a school or served on a school board will have experienced occasions where this ideal deviates from reality. Encountering subtle yet disrespectful comments in the workplace can be challenging, and they often take the listener by surprise. Disrespectful remarks, often disguised as jokes, sarcasm, or casual observations, will often create discomfort, undermine confidence, threaten workplace morale, and erode the school’s (including the board’s) sense of unity and purpose.
An underhanded comment which may seem polite or innocuous at face value can also contain a hidden meaning, one which usually has a negative connotation. Examples in a school situation might be something like:
Addressing comments such as these effectively requires a combination of assertiveness and professionalism. Here are some tactical responses to handle such situations with grace and authority based on the work of UK Consultant Psychiatrist in Neurodevelopmental Disorders, Dr Neetu Johnson.
1. The Mirror Response
One effective way to address a disrespectful comment is by reflecting it back to the speaker. Asking “How am I meant to respond to that?” directly calls attention to the inappropriate nature of the comment and shifts the discomfort back to the speaker. This approach redirects the direction of the conversation without either escalation or retraction, thus encouraging composed self-awareness and prompting the speaker to reconsider the words used.
2. The Therapist Approach
Encouraging self-reflection can be a powerful tool in diffusing inappropriate remarks because it can lead to backtracking. A response like “How do you feel when you say that to me?” invites the speaker to examine their motivations and the impact of the words chosen. This approach often leads to the individual reflecting, and then retracting or reconsidering their statement, fostering a more respectful dialogue.
3. The Expectation Challenger
Disrupting the intent behind a comment can be an effective way to reveal its inappropriateness. Asking “What response were you hoping to get?” forces the speaker to analyse their true intentions. This technique shifts the focus of the conversation by exposing the underlying negativity, thus discouraging and disempowering any additional negative comments.
4. The Professional Redirect
Maintaining a focus on professionalism can help steer the conversation away from drama and negativity. A response such as “Let's focus on finding solutions instead” signals that you are not willing to engage in unconstructive discourse. This approach reinforces a culture of respect and efficiency by redirecting the discussion productively towards a focus on finding solutions.
5. The Clarity Seeker
Individuals sometimes make remarks without considering their implications. Responding with “Could you explain what you mean by that?” compels the speaker to break down and elaborate their comment, often revealing the inappropriateness of the comments made. This method encourages clarity and accountability, deflecting negativity while discouraging vague, disrespectful statements.
6. The Boundary Setter
Establishing clear professional limits is essential for fostering a respectful work environment. A straightforward response such as “I prefer to keep our discussions constructive” sets a firm professional boundary. This statement communicates the idea that negative or unproductive remarks will not be entertained, reinforcing a culture of professional respect.
7. The Power Pause
Silence can be a powerful tool in communication. Simply maintaining eye contact and pausing after a disrespectful comment can have more impact than any verbal response. The strongest response may be not to respond! This approach signals confidence and composure, highlighting the awkwardness of the situation without engaging in conflict.
Of course, trying to address inappropriate comments without the help of others will not always be successful, and further action may be required by approaching a line manager or even filing a formal complaint.
Nonetheless, by responding to disrespectful comments with respectful professionalism, individuals can maintain control over their workplace interactions and set the tone for constructive and respectful conversations. Establishing these communication strategies not only fosters a positive professional environment but it also reinforces and models personal confidence, authority, and care for others – in other words, leading by example.
- Dr Stephen Codrington
We offer support for school leaders and board members in many areas, including workshops on language and communication.
Further information on this and many other facets of best practice in school leadership and governance is provided in the books “Optimal School Governance", and “Insights into School Leadership and Board Governance”, which can be ordered directly through Pronins.
You may also be interested in previous articles which are archived at https://optimalschool.com/articles.html. You can subscribe to receive future articles by e-mail using the red button below.
